1) If you have no car or printer, walk to the pueblo and find the cybercafe. Chances are it’s a tiny room in a back street, pitch black inside, with half a dozen people waiting to be served.
2) Use your best Spanish to make your request. Don’t be offended when the reply is ‘Preeent?’ as if you’re a child or a half-wit. Remember your accent is a giveaway.
3) While you’re waiting to log on, open a bottle of what you think is water, making sure it explodes over clothes, desk and floor. Realise too late that the label says gaseosa.
4) Forget your glasses so that, even with the economy lights on, you can’t read the keyboard. Where have they hidden the @? Feel pleased with yourself that you know it’s called the arroba. Smile at the customers watching you learn how to find it. Ah, it’s up with the 2, selected with Ctrl + Alt. Nod wisely.
5) Realise you need a semi-colon and squint at the keyboard. Hold it up to the light in a vain attempt to distinguish between punctuation marks. Ask for help again. If you don’t know the Spanish word, request pen and paper. Smile apologetically at the audience of waiting customers. ‘Ah, punto y coma.’ Of course.
6) Log onto gmail and realise you’ve forgotten your password. Make several attempts at remembering and give up.
7) Start a migraine so that the visual disturbances interfere with your eyesight. Don’t even ask for a farmacia. They’re on strike due to la crisis – the government hasn’t paid them since May.
7) Succeed in printing documents from other websites and log off. Leave your jacket on the back of the chair so they have to remind you to take it.
8) Count out 80 centimos in small change, rejoicing that it’s so cheap. Don’t be offended when they stop you at 77 – they probably think that it’s worth 3 centimos to get rid of you.
3 thoughts on “How to play the idiot foreigner (1)”
That would win a prize and certainly get published!!
The cybercafe near my place in Seville is the grimiest place I’ve ever seen in Spain. It is also in a back room. although there’s no front room. Every time I go in (not often thank God) there are half a dozen really stoned (and smelly) teenagers playing online games. The place never has any change and the owner is the grumpiest guy I’ve ever met. Half the computers don’t actually work and I’m sure its all a front for some money-laundering ring.
They must all be the same then! Still, saves buying a printer!